


Some Things Just Shouldn’t Be Possible

by Selenay



Series: Damage Limitation [1]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Cliche Fic, Get Together, M/M, aphrodisiac
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-04
Updated: 2012-06-04
Packaged: 2017-11-06 21:16:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/423285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selenay/pseuds/Selenay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I can get my head round death rays, laser beams, Doombots and magic, but how is a fucking magic sex grenade a thing now?" Clint continued. "That just shouldn't even be possible."</p><p>"I believe we're going with targeted hormone disruptor," Phil said mildly. "For the reports."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Some Things Just Shouldn’t Be Possible

**Author's Note:**

> Now with awesome Chinese translation [here](http://cyanpepper.tumblr.com/post/26043253589/some-things-just-shouldnt-be-possible) by cyanpepper :-D

"I miss bullets," Clint said reflectively. "Seriously, I miss bullets, guns, knives, all that shit."

Phil sighed and sat next to him. "I know what you mean."

"I can get my head round death rays, laser beams, Doombots and magic, but how is a fucking magic sex grenade a thing now?" Clint continued. "That just shouldn't even be possible."

"I believe we're going with targeted hormone disruptor," Phil said mildly. "For the reports."

The look Clint shot him was poisonous.

"Magic sex grenade is more accurate," Clint announced, shifting the pillow covering his lap uncomfortably.

"True," Phil said. "It just doesn't scan well for the reports."

"You think anyone will ever be allowed to read the report on this one?" Clint asked.

***

_An hour earlier..._

Phil surveyed the pitiful group of superheroes sitting in the medical bay. All the men had pillows strategically placed across their laps, Captain Rogers looked ready to either melt or explode from the vivid blush on his face, Banner was trying to calm himself with journals after meditation hadn't worked and even Natasha had lost her usual look of calm cool.

"Please tell me that the doctors know what it is and my dick isn’t about to fall off," Stark said.

"And how to stop it?" Rogers added pathetically.

Phil gestured Dr. Knowle forward because there was no way that he was going to lead this conversation.

"Ah," the doctor said uncertainly, nervous under the sudden glare of six desperate people, "Well, we think it should only last a few hours. Twelve at most. Hopefully."

"Hopefully?" Rogers asked, his voice breaking on the last syllable.

"We've never seen anything like this before," Knowle said quickly.

"Let's never see anything like it again," Clint muttered.

"There are no models for this. We're having to extrapolate," Knowle said. "Based on the rate that your hormone levels are changing, the time since the, ah, device activated and a few other factors..."

"You have nothing," Stark said. "Take it from a bullshitting expert, you've got nothing."

"Twelve hours seems likely," Knowle said. "We can provide sedatives to anyone who requests them."

He received several incredulous glares.

"Er, for the non-enhanced humans," Knowle added. "It might give you some relief if you can sleep through the worst."

His words did not reduce the level of incredulity or the air of barely concealed frustration and the doctor paled.

"Thank you, Dr. Knowle," Phil said quickly. "I think you've done all you can here. If you have anything else, you can keep me informed."

"Of course, Agent Coulson," Knowle said. "I'll contact you the moment we have anything helpful."

"If I thought they'd work, I'd take the sedatives," Banner said mournfully. "But nothing keeps the Other Guy sedated for that long."

"Well, as we're not about to die," Stark said, "Pepper arrived a few minutes ago so unless you're planning to quarantine us?"

Phil shook his head.

"Then I'm going to get laid," Stark announced.

"Don't turn off your pager," Phil said to Stark's retreating, hospital gown-clad back.

Stark flipped him off and Phil shrugged internally. It wasn't like this sorry group would be much use for saving the world in their current state anyway.

"Thor, Jane is back in New Mexico if you want to visit her," Phil said.

Thor grinned. "Thank you, Son of Coul. I shall return when I can be of use."

Phil could feel a headache brewing right between his eyes as he looked at the rest of the Avengers. This was the kind of thing that never appeared in any of the manuals or training material, not that there was any kind of manual for handling a group of superheroes with the attention spans of gnats and the destructive capability of half a dozen nuclear warheads.

"Whatever you do, I don't want to know," Phil said tiredly. "Just...get out of here. I'll contact you if the lab has anything else."

Natasha was the first to leave, stalking out with a purposeful expression and Phil was definitely not going to ask her anything. He made a mental note to keep an eye out for any interns who might be doing puppy impressions around her in the future.

A minute later Rogers gathered the tattered shreds of his dignity and slunk out of the medical bay, his face an interesting shade of bright pink. Banner only stopped to gather up his journals and wrap up in another blanket before he also left.

Clint just sat there.

***

_Now..._

"Shit," Clint said irritably. "Shit shit shit."

"You could try the sedatives," Phil suggested.

"I'd never live it down," Clint said. "If they can deal with it, so can I."

"Why don't you head back to your quarters?" Phil suggested.

Clint grimaced. "Give me a minute. Things are getting uncomfortable and friction doesn't help."

He trailed off and Phil swallowed, feeling unusually flustered.

"Too much information?" Clint suggested.

There was silence for a while and Phil sat down on the bed opposite Clint, feeling far more tired than he had any right to be given how little he had actually been able to do. Clint's forehead was beaded with sweat, one droplet just running down his jaw, and that was something that Phil knew he should not be noticing.

"So," Clint said eventually.

"So," Phil agreed.

"Fuck, this is the most insane thing I've ever heard of," Clint said. "What kind of shithead does this kind of thing anyway? How does someone's mind just go there?"

Phil shrugged, figuring that letting the anger out might at least distract Clint from other things.

"If I ever get fucked up enough to become a criminal mastermind," Clint continued, "remind me of this moment so that I don't start building magic sex grenades."

"I promise," Phil said solemnly.

"Knew I could count on you," Clint said.

There was another long, awkward silence.

"So," Clint said and then paused. "So, I'm going to suggest something and you should remember that I'm out of my fucking mind right now if you don't want to so let's never talk about it tomorrow but..."

Phil held his breath, his heart hammering.

"OK," Clint said after a brief pause, "I'm just going to put this out there and possibly never talk about it again. There don't have to be feelings and shit if you don't want them. I'm going back to my quarters. Company would be good. Great, really, if you want to."

Phil took a deep breath. Let it out. Waited to either wake up or hear the punch line.

When none of those options materialized he smiled slightly.

"Boss?" Clint asked, looking slightly concerned.

Phil stood, leaned over Clint and kissed him. Anything Clint might have been saying was lost as he surged up, wrapped his arms around Phil and put everything he had into the kiss. It was intense, dirty and left Phil in no doubt that whatever he might say about no feelings and never mentioning it again, Clint wanted this just as much as he did.

Things might have escalated right there but Phil managed to pull away and resist Clint's attempts to pull him down to the hospital bed.

"Shit," Clint said breathlessly.

"Your quarters, Barton," Phil said, equally breathless.

"They're miles away," Clint protested.

"I've been thinking about this for years," Phil said. "Our first time will not be in a medical bay. Not even a deserted one because you scared away all the doctors."

Clint grinned. "Years, sir?"

That was definitely going to come back to bite him when Clint was more himself, Phil was certain of it.

"We're about to do things that will never go into the report on this incident," Phil said, "I think we can move to first names now."

Clint's grin widened. "I like the sound of that."

"Which part?"

"All of it." Clint paused. "Phil."

It was corny as hell, but the sound of his name on Clint's lips sent a bold of heat straight through Phil and he groaned quietly before kissing Clint again.

This time breaking away was almost impossible and Clint's expression when they parted was somewhere between happy and pained, with possibly slightly more pain than anything else.

"Getting bad?" Phil asked.

"I'm going to embarrass myself if we don't do something soon," Clint admitted.

Phil nodded decisively, hauled Clint to his feet and began towing him towards the door.

"Good plan, sir," Clint said. "Let's go fuck."

"Always the romantic."

"I try," Clint said, "Phil."


End file.
